Original content by Ashley Berges
We often hear about what a toxic relationship is, and what we need to do once we figure out we are in one, but why do we get into the toxic relationship in the first place?
The first reason we tend to stay in toxic relationships is that we believe we can fix them. We see the potential of the relationship, any time we see people’s potential and we care about them, we want to help them out. We believe that if we give them enough support and we are there, their potential will become a reality.
The second reason we keep ourselves in toxic relationships is that we honestly want to help the other person. We feel that if we do the right thing and we love and support the other person enough they will flourish and see their own identity and truth and will become the person that we believe they can become.
A third reason that we stay in toxic relationships is that we feel bad about the person’s past. The other person shares all the pain and suffering that they have had in their past with us. This makes us feel bad for them and want to stand up and be there for them. We believe that if we leave, we are not doing them any service. In the process of dealing with someone who happens to bring toxicity into our life, we begin to isolate ourselves by trying to help and save them. We feel guilty about their past and want to make it right.
Often, the other person needs to actively seek treatment and advice from a professional. They need to take their own health and mental health into their own hands instead of looking to another person to do so.
Sometimes we see ourselves as the only person that can save them. We forget that this person has lived a life before us. There is a reason why some people do not have a lot of friends, most likely they have burned all the other people out of their lives.
The fourth reason that we may stay in toxic relationships is that the situation seems normal, and does not appear toxic from our point of view. When we are raised in a toxic relationship by parents and caregivers, we may not realize the relationship is toxic because we are children. We see it as normal. Throughout our lives when that same normalcy appears we feel that it is fine and normal and don’t realize the toxicity.
There is a big difference between normal and healthy. We will get the same cycle or pattern that we had as children in our adulthood. We must be able to see the cycle to stop the cycle otherwise we will continue living this for the rest of our life.
The fifth reason we stay in toxic relationships is that we suffer from low self-esteem from the relationships that we had when we were children growing up. Whenever we are living in a toxic family environment as a child is going to cause us to have low self-esteem.
When we have low self-esteem as a child, if we do not work on it, it is not going to get better. We keep this low self-esteem as adults. Usually, we do not realize that we do what we do because of low self-esteem, we see it as wanting to help someone. We then settle in the toxic relationship because we do not know and we do not feel that we deserve anything better.
We are used to this type of relationship, and it seems normal. Instead of going higher and finding someone that truly loves us, we tend to stick in these relationships where we just get by trying to get the validation like we did when we were children.
These five reasons why we find ourselves in toxic relationships can be very helpful to identify possibly why we are in a toxic relationship now.
There are things that we can do to help ourselves once we have identified that we are in a toxic relationship.
First, we must see that the pattern has existed since our childhood and is not playing out in our adulthood. If we can see the pattern that has existed since the beginning, we will have the ability to end the cycle right now. It will take time and work but that is because that is what our normalcy has been our entire lives. We can grow from this and evolve. Eventually, we will be able to be in a relationship that has unconditional love that is supportive and healthy.
The next thing we need to do is be honest about the relationship. Be honest about our feelings at our gut core. We know at our core that the relationship is not a healthy one. We may come up with reasons why we are staying in the relationship, but you know that this is not the right relationship for you.
Another observation is know that we can only change ourselves. We cannot change anyone else. There is the desire to help and show someone the light when we see the potential. We forget that they must create that in their own life. We cannot make someone choose a life that they are not going to choose right now. They must make those changes and perhaps at that point, you can have a relationship with them.
Lastly, they are not your cross to bear. Often, we feel guilty and worry about what may happen to this other person if we leave them. A lot of times we must do right by ourselves. We can want the best for someone but we can’t change them. The only way to change the world and make it better is to begin by changing ourselves for the best.
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