How to Open up Communication in the Marriage

This post was written by Rhonda Wasserman

Original content by Ashley Berges

When conversation breaks down in the marriage, almost everything else in the marriage follows suit.

When we deal with a communication breakdown we seem to separate, it feels like we are going through the motions without the emotions. There is no communication intimacy or conversation with depth. Furthermore, you are not learning about each other anymore.

When most people find themselves in this type of situation, they find someone else to talk to. They reach out to someone they can have deep conversations with. This can be helpful because we all need other people in our lives. On the other hand, it can also be problematic. Consequently, we are avoiding the issues with our spouse and finding someone else to communicate with. It is good that we have other people, however, we need to begin having communication within our marriage. 

We must figure out how to have some deep discussions within our marriage. The door to these types of discussions needs to be open.

The way to do this is to ask the big questions:

1.  What do we want to do with our life?

2.  Where do we see ourselves in 10 years?

3.  What do we want to create?

We need to have conversations in our marriage that have depth, but not necessarily about the two of you. These conversations will reveal more things about yourselves that your spouse may not know. Next, ask your partner questions to help you get to understand more about them.  

Often, conversation in the marriage is non-existent. Until we have conversations and deep communication, we will not be able to have emotional or physical intimacy. Another component related to the breakdown in communication is a breakdown of trust in the relationship. Without communication, so many aspects of the marriage break down.

Take a moment to think about some tendencies you may have, as to why you do not communicate. Ask yourself, what can you talk about? What are some things that matter to you? Change up the routine, get out of the rut. Take a walk, and do something different with your spouse to help open up the line of communication. Equally important, we need to figure out what conversations we have outside of the marriage we can have inside the marriage. What can you ask your spouse to get them to begin conversing with you?

Many of us are dealing with avoidance issues. We need to look at our attachment styles. Once we understand our attachment style it will help us identify why we communicate or why don’t we communicate the way we do. 

Communication is key. Without having deep communication, we truly do not have anything with our significant other. If we are not able to talk about our feelings or the big items then we don’t have a marriage. It is more like a roommate situation. Communication is the pinnacle piece to opening the doors. Often, the lack of sex and intimacy is due to broken-down communication in the marriage.

Getting communication back needs to start with asking yourself what can you talk about with your spouse. Slowly talking with your spouse and asking good questions are both important steps to getting the communication back. We need to put the effort in and try, we do not want to leave a marriage without trying and exhausting all opportunities. 

Someone must take responsibility to try and get the communication back in the marriage. That someone should be you. A good telltale sign is to see if your spouse can communicate with you once you begin trying. Most likely they are also aware of the communication breakdown. If they want the marriage to continue, they will try to reconstruct the communication with you. 

If you find that many elements of your marriage are missing, you first need to make sure you have clear and deep communication with your spouse.

Take the quiz on attachment styles to find out yours:

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Attachment styles video link:

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