How long do you wait to respond? Are you pushing people away? What’s up with that?
By: Ashley Berges
Often, we find ourselves in “stressful” relationships because we initially like the idea of being with someone. Because of this, we overlook initial deal breakers from the other person. We don’t ask questions or poke around much (probably because we know what we may find). We like the fairytale and we get blindsided by the feeling of being in love. Sometimes we meet self-absorbed, narcissistic people and instead we tell ourselves that they’re unique, sexy, and mysterious.
Some of us have been burned and know when an unhealthy cycle is beginning, but the rest of us get hooked. We get so wrapped up in the mystery, the allure, and the eventual victory that we forget that this is supposed to be a happy and healthy relationship.
When we start off a relationship by playing games, we are subconsciously sabotaging ourselves. Based on previous relationships we may not even know that this is not the way a healthy relationship transpires. We begin to think everyone is the same and the world is filled with game players. But it’s not true.
Yes, the world has many of them, but authentic people who don’t play games exist and they’re looking for others out there like them. In order to find true people, it’s time to let go of the game. We deserve better but how exactly do we go by creating a new reality with less game playing and more of what we truly want?
Good question! I’m glad you asked. You begin by understanding what you stand for. What matters in your life? Are you someone who likes to spend days on the Katy Trail or are you a night owl who wants to hit up Midnight Rambler or HG Supply Co.? What are your values? Now look at potential dates and evaluate by asking them questions and discussing real subjects, and this will begin to reveal if this person stands for the same things. Are your values similar or extremely varied? Is this someone you would be proud to introduce to your family and friends? Next, are they authentic and real? Are you authentic and real?
Here’s an easy test to know if you’re being played: Communicate with the other person as you would your close friends. If the other person replies timely and with non-mysterious responses you’re probably good. However, if you have to ignore them to get their attention, text one or two word texts, or not respond for a week, you have someone who is accustomed to the game. The same goes for you, if you’re out at Old Monk with friends and see a text come through from someone you’re interested in, don’t wait to respond.
When you don’t play games and won’t play other’s games, you increase your power ten-fold. At least once a week, I have a client come into my practice and tell me they wish they had the time back that they wasted on the last relationship. It’s unfortunate that you can’t get back time, but you can end the cycle of playing the game. Be real in all you do and say, understand what exactly you want from a relationship, and go get it. When you’re honest about who you are and what you want, you will find another person who is looking for just that.
Ashley Berges is a Dallas-based life coach, family therapist, and syndicated radio talk show host of Perspectives with Ashley Berges, which can be heard on 570 AM KLIF and 660AM KKSY. She has written three books; her most recent is The 10-Day Challenge to Live Your True Life. Visit her website at www.ashleyberges.com.
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