Ashley Berges tackles why we try to salvage things after they fall apart.
By: Ashley Berges
When the rocky patches come in any relationship, we have to take a moment to evaluate why we’ve chosen to participate. Often, we see other couples and believe they have it better than us. We begin to think others are happier, more in love, and they hold the key to what a real relationship means.
This undermines our own relationships and can cause them to inevitably end. There are a couple of ways this happens but the most common is through social media. We look at other people’s lives through the lens of what they want to present rather than their day-to-day reality.
When one person decides to break it off, (no matter how broken or disjointed the relationship may have been) it’s difficult because we’ve grown accustomed to the other person being around. We usually realize that we’ve been comparing our relationship the whole time, and we wonder if we could have made it work.
And so we try to convince the other person of the merit of getting back together. If given the chance, we think the relationship could move in a positive direction because neither person would take it for granted. Whether or not it lasts depends on chemistry, the effort we put into it, and the honest realization that all relationships are filled with issues that either make them stronger or ultimately break them up.
Sometimes even when the issues are right in front of our face we want to win or stick it out for the wrong reasons. In the process of doing this, we let go of our happiness for a payout that never happens. Don’t get into a relationship or marriage for a payout. Marrying for anything but true real love is pain in the ass and usually leads one party to feeling they lost the best years of their life.
If a relationship ends in a breakup, there are hurt feelings on both sides, though it seems to be more easily digested by the person that initiated the split. I think that for the most part, we feel this coming on but about a third of my clients have been blindsided by an imminent split or divorce.
Enter a relationship or marriage because you genuinely like the person, don’t mind them, and if they were the only person you could spend time with you wouldn’t freak out. It’s that easy, however when we marry or enter a relationship for other reasons we get hurt, feel sad, and eventually long for our freedom.
Ashley Berges is a Dallas-based life coach, family therapist, and syndicated radio talk show host of Perspectives with Ashley Berges, which can be heard on 570 AM KLIF and 660AM KKSY. She has written three books; her most recent is The 10-Day Challenge to Live Your True Life. Visit her website at www.ashleyberges.com.