When Someone Becomes your Main Purpose

This post was written by Rhonda Wasserman

Original content by Ashley Berges

What happens when we derive our purpose from someone else?  When we put all of our time and energy into someone rather than ourselves, we lose our identity.  There are ten indications that reveal when we have placed our purpose on somebody else.

You think about them constantly

You divert all your energy, brain power, and feelings thinking about them. This prevents you from focusing on your true purpose.  It also takes away from your ability to be mindful in your own life.

You talk about them constantly to your friends and family

Most often, when you interact with friends and family the person who has become your focus, is the topic of discussion all the time.  There is more to you than this one person.  Talking about them constantly puts you on the sidelines of your own life.  Instead of dedicating time working on yourself, you are busy trying to figure them out.

Their mood swings impact you  

We entangle ourselves in their mood changes.  An interesting thing to point out is that we stop thinking about how we feel, and only care about their feelings.  If their mood swings affect how our mood is, it is an indication that we need to analyze our feelings.

You are devastated when you don’t hear from them

Hearing from them becomes an addiction.  Both the text and phone calls, whether positive or negative become an addiction. It is easy to lose focus and become off-balanced when you do not hear from them.  Everything just seems to be difficult to accomplish.

Trouble focusing when they are upset with you

When they show you signs that they are upset with you, you internalize your feelings.  This results in feeling as though you have done something wrong, feeling bad, and overwhelmed.  This prevents you from thinking about anything else.  Daily life, outside of the relationship becomes almost impossible to do.

When they are happy, you are happy

The positive interactions you have with them makes everything good in the world. There is nothing better than when they are happy.

When they ghost you, you feel alone and helpless

When they ghost you, you frantically wonder why they have not called or visited.  This causes you sadness and takes over your every thought and emotional space.  You find yourself waiting anxiously for them to reach out to you.  When this situation is taking place you feel dead inside, but when they finally contact you, you feel a tremendous amount of relief.

When they yell and argue, you attempt to prove your truth, story, or value

We try to prove things to them.  Therefore, when we get them to believe what we say, we will believe it ourselves.  For us to find out happiness, they must be happy with us. We lose our sense of reality because we put too much stock into what they feel.  As a result, when they have mood changes, we also go from being on top of the world to devastation in a very short amount of time.  

We are devastated when they leave us

When they leave, we can see that we have defined ourselves by them.  We realize that we have been living through them.  While in the relationship, we are always trying to get them to see our value.  We forget that we are our own purpose.

Being put back on the pedestal by the person we are in the relationship with erases all the negativity and toxicity

This position causes you to feel amazing again and forget about all the negative and toxic things in the relationship.  When you are on the pedestal everything you do is great.  The love we feel is incredible while we are on the pedestal.  It is important to keep in mind that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes.  

When we see the other person as our purpose, we want to show them how much we love them and prove our value to them.  When this happens, we lose ourselves.  We start the relationship on a pedestal receiving all the love and attention we desire.  It is a false sense of reality.  It is a lot to put on one person.  This will change over time.

We must keep in mind that part of our purpose is to find unconditional love for ourselves.  The other part is helping people after we figure out how to take care of ourselves.  Our purpose should not be based on having another person see our value.  No one person should be your purpose.  You must figure out the purpose inside of you, not derive your purpose from external sources. 

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