Self-Sabotage in the Relationship

This post was written by Rhonda Wasserman

Original content by Ashley Berges

Relationships can be both challenging and rewarding. When you are in a relationship with someone who self-sabotages the relationship, that person finds fault in everything their partner does.  They do this to justify leaving the relationship.  They are looking for problems in the other person.  This allows them to place the blame on their partner. Self sabotage has a negative effect on relationships.

One of the first indications that you are in a relationship with someone who self-sabotages is that they begin to question your motives. They hope to catch you in a lie by interrogating and questioning you.  This allows them to call you a liar and blame you for the fall of the relationship.

Another key indication that you are involved with someone who self-sabotages relationships is that they want to see your phone.  They get your password and start scrolling through it.  They look at your search history, messages, and pictures.  It’s an attempt to find out if you have cheated on them or have had a conversation with someone they were not aware of.   If they can find either one of these things, it gives them a reason to accuse you of cheating or simply lying.  It gives them a reason to leave the relationship, therefore sabotaging the relationship, and finding fault in you.  

In relationships with someone who self-sabotages there is a tendency for them to not believe the truth.  This may cause incredible frustration because no matter what is said it does not make a difference.  Often our partners have a broken record playing in their minds.  These thoughts are usually old fears and bad past relationships.  Our partners have not been able to put those memories in the past and move on. They are always waiting for these events from the past to repeat themselves.  They take these fears and place them on their partner. 

There is a tendency for people with self-sabotaging behaviors to not see your kindness.  They are unable to see that you care about them and want to help them.  Instead, they feel as though you are holding them back or you are out to get them.  They always question your motives.  This questioning will most likely hold you back from doing kind gestures for them.  Since your partner always sees it as if you have an ulterior motive for doing things. 

Finally, we are always trying to convince the other person who we are and what our truth is.  It appears no matter how much convincing we do, it never seems to work.  It always ends up going back to what the other person believes.  They believe that their past will repeat itself.  You will cheat on them or leave them.  They sabotage you to leave them because it is what they believe will eventually happen.  In this process, they push you away.  They have created this reality in their mind.  Your partner needs to become mindful and augment their negative thoughts to understand where the fear is coming from.  They must learn how to work through this fear and not put it in the current relationship.

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