Many of us are not happy in our current relationship. We want the relationship to get back to the way it was. We are ready to move on but are afraid of hurting the other person. We are stuck and have so many unanswered questions such as; what if I hurt this person, what if I lose them, is this the relationship I should be holding on to?
A lot of us in this situation are becoming our partner’s crutch. We give them all our time and energy, like a full-time job. As a result, we are not thinking about our success or needs.
We need to step back and begin to open up the lines of communication. It is important to try and get them to talk to you about their feelings. One of the hardest things to do is to open up to someone with a cluster B dynamic.
Someone with BPD or someone with both BPD and ADD can be very challenging. With BPD the person has impulsivity, no future thinking, and they do not think about the consequences of their actions. For someone who is a planner, focused on the future, and working to overcome codependent tendencies, dealing with people like this can be extremely challenging.
It is difficult trying to figure out what they do or do not want, and depending on what they want, we then decide what we are going to do.
If you are in this situation, it is time to figure out what you want. As codependents, we become their crutch, this role prevents us from finding success in our own lives.
We may be working, but tend to put our careers and needs off to the side. We may even want to take a vacation but are too afraid to leave for fear of something happening. As a result, we hope that they may come around and have an epiphany. We are waiting to live.
As codependents, we hold on and wait hoping that they will do what we want and come around. We wait for, sometimes months, sometimes years. We need to figure out what we want. It’s time to have those deep conversations and be ok if we do not know what they want.
The issue is that they do not know what they want. Most likely it’s that they want multiple things at the same time.
Since there is no thought of future thinking, they don’t see what they want in the future. It is minute-to-minute. It is very hard to engage with them because you are future thinking and they are minute-to-minute, there is no way to connect the dots.
Are you being a crutch to this person? Are you holding them up? Are you waiting for them to make a decision instead of stepping back and thinking about the decisions you should be making? What do you want?
It will be very powerful for you to begin asking yourself these questions and doing what you want to do. We need to be able to see ourselves as well as overcome the codependent daze. This daze gets us stuck thinking about the other person’s life, and what they are or are not doing. In the process, we are stuck trying to think about what needs to be done or where does that leave us.
