Lovers to Roommates, What happened to the Marriage?

This post was written by Rhonda Wasserman

Original content by Ashley Berges

Does it seem as though your marriage has lost its spark? Have you lost the emotional connection with your spouse? Does it feel like you are living separate lives? If these questions resonate with you, there is a strong possibility your marriage has shifted from marriage into a roommate situation.

There are many indications that your marriage has crossed the line and has entered the roommate syndrome. The indications listed below will help you see how your marriage was in the beginning and how it is now.

Conversations have become dull and short:

One indication that your marriage is turning into a roommate situation is the conversations between you and your spouse are not deep and connecting. Therefore they tend to focus on the common everyday things such as housework, the workday, and what the children are doing. This type of conversation is an indication that a wedge is building between spouses in the relationship.

Emotional Distance:

Another indication is that it feels as though you have lost the connection to your spouse. The ability to share important things with them is gone. You have a fear of how they will react when you tell them things. As a result, the emotional distance causes you to move further away from your spouse, rather than come back together.  

Avoiding conflict:

Often in a marriage, there may be some resentment from things that have happened in the past. Almost all marriages have subjects that need to be discussed.  Relationships cannot survive if resentment is untouched.The anger and resentment that have been building up will emotionally divide you.  Furthermore, the roommate situation occurs due to conflict and arguments. When we avoid conflict, it seems to have a way of creeping back into the relationship at the most inconvenient times.   

Where did the sex life go?

Often, married couples are not having sex. There is a large percentage of married couples that do not even sleep in the same bed. Lack of sex is another symptom of the many issues in the relationship. The emotional divide goes hand in hand with a physical divide.

Confiding in others instead of your spouse:

Another term for this is an “emotional affair”.  It’s when we talk to someone other than our spouse about all the deep things in our life.  We use to share this type of information with our spouses. This is a big indication that things have shifted in the marriage. We need to take a deeper look into this to get the marriage back on course and strengthened.  

Living different lives:

Further, it may appear that your lives are not parallel anymore. For the most part at the end of the day, you do your thing and your spouse does their own thing. It may feel like there is an avoidance going on. If we chose to not be with our spouse, this avoidance demonstrates that a conversation needs to happen as to why this situation is occurring.

Nothing to talk about:

Neither one of you have anything to say to the other. It is like hanging out with someone you barely know. Consequently, you find yourself questioning how the marriage has gotten to this point.

No joint plans for the future:

Finally, it is difficult to make plans when you are living separate lives. Plans for travel, a big move, or a new hobby together are all sidelined. Nothing planned together is on the radar.  Subconsciously there is a lot of fear because we do not know what direction the marriage is heading. It is easier to push all of this aside than deal with it directly. Under these circumstances, we realize that we no longer recognize our spouse.

Do not feel that the relationship is doomed, it is possible to salvage the marriage. To repair a marriage, it is essential to look at the actions.  These actions will help clarify what needs to be worked out. It will require a lot of effort and work to take your marriage back from the roommate situation to a marriage. Do not be afraid to put in the time if saving your marriage is something you want to do.

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