How to Stop Blaming yourself for the Breakup

This post was written by Rhonda Wasserman

Original content by Ashley Berges

Have you ever wondered what you could have done differently in the relationship to have prevented the break-up?

After a break-up we find ourselves going over things in our heads, beating ourselves up, and searching for what we could have done differently. We hold onto regret, thinking that the smallest thing could have changed the outcome of the relationship.

When we take a step back and look at the whole situation, we realize we are putting the entire relationship collapse on ourselves.  It takes two people in a relationship. Moreover, it is not just one person’s fault for things to have gotten to an ending point.  

After a break-up, we tend to turn the anger, disappointment, and judgment internally. We do this because we judge ourselves for what we have done wrong.  We were not able to get any closure from the other person. Our partners would not take responsibility for their actions. As a result of this, we were not able to make any progress through the conversations and arguments, therefore preventing us from getting closure. When you are in a relationship with someone who is not taking responsibility for any part they played, we wonder what we can do to change this. It appears there are three options if we wish to continue the relationship.

  • 1.   Continue the relationship, sweep the stuff under the rug and take the blame.
  • 2.  Stay in the relationship, sweep the issues under the rug, and act like nothing is wrong.
  • 3.  Apologize for something you did not do.  

Over time these options get more difficult, even though many of us have done this for years. We take the blame, accept the blame, and move on. As a result, It is much easier to blame ourselves than to try and figure out why the other person would not communicate, come to an agreement, or find closure. In relationships like these, we lose our identity due to acquiescing day in and day out to keep the relationship going.  

It is best to take a step back and see the whole picture instead of blaming yourself. We must become aware of the feelings we have, such as believing the relationship could have been saved if we had said something more diplomatic, been more proactive, or solved the entire problem.

A beneficial activity would be to start writing down your thoughts that trigger you to feel sad or upset about the break-up. Start analyzing what you are saying. Ask yourself, did you do any of the things you thought you should have done in the relationship?

When the relationship is over, we find that we are still beating ourselves up about the things we wish we had done, that we already did. We find a reason to keep going over these thoughts and continue to have reasons to blame ourselves. Take some time to analyze the whole break-up. Ask yourself, have I turned this entire break-up on me, am I internalizing and accepting all responsibility even though it’s not all my responsibility to take? The big question is, was this person receptive to coming to any type of agreement with you?  

Many times, people are upset about the break-up, but the other person was not willing to compromise. Relationships are about give and take. If only one person is willing to compromise, then this is not a healthy relationship. In a relationship, it should be two whole people coming together. Both people should be able to have their feelings and emotions.

If you have been in this type of relationship you will need to get closure on your own. You have to forgive yourself for being in the relationship.

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