How to have that Important Conversation to Create Solutions in your Marriage

This post was written by Rhonda Wasserman

Original content by Ashley Berges

Are there deep conversations in your marriage that you should be having but avoid? Often, we avoid these conversations because we are afraid of our spouse’s reaction.

It seems that the longer we hold onto something, the more it eats at us. When we cannot get solutions to the topics we want to discuss, they become more of a problem. 

How do we bring these topics up and have important conversations with our spouses?

Topics of big conversations:

The direction of the marriage

Growing together



Lack of intimacy

Not having sex

One issue, when we cannot have these discussions, is that over time we may shut down because we are unable to discuss what is important to us. Another issue is that when the problem is avoided, over time it gets bigger and bigger without a solution. One of the more significant results of not having the big conversation is that many of us may step out of the marriage, finding someone who can take care of what we are missing. Often, we are searching for communication, intimacy, or sex, all of the things we may not be getting from our partner due to the inability to discuss it.

One of the more significant topics that needs to be discussed is the lack of sex in the marriage. Consider the following questions. How much longer can the relationship go without sex? Has the lack of sex led you to step out of the marriage? How is that working for you? Are you happy with your decision? Do you want to try and communicate to get your marriage back? 

If you want to try and save the marriage and exit the roommate situation, you must ask yourself when will we be able to bring up this big-ticket item to talk about it. How are you going to bring it up and how often do you need to bring it up to get the other person to understand how important it is to you? We have to try and break the ice at some point because the longer we wait the more anger and resentment builds up. Another issue is that when we are not talking about something, the other person assumes that everything is fine. 

If something is important to you and your partner loves you, they should be able to hear what you are trying to say and what you are feeling, and vice versa. If both partners are avoiding the big issues then there is not a real marriage, we have a roommate situation rather than a marriage. How much longer can you survive in a roommate situation without losing it? At some point, you begin to feel like you are no longer yourself. You will feel as though you are a shell of a person.  

We cannot continue to live our lives in limbo. If someone truly loves you, even though the marriage may feel separate right now, this love should allow you to start opening up and communicating. We do not have an unlimited amount of time; therefore, we need to make the time we do have the best it can be. 

There must be a connection with the person you spend the most time with. Often, we are afraid, wondering what happens if the marriage falls apart. What happens if the conversation does not work? Once you can understand and know what is going on, you will begin to have answers to all of the questions and be able to start moving forward. 

There is a time and a place when you will be able to have a deep conversation. The more you bring it up in a non-antagonizing and calm way, the easier it will be. Think about the conversation you need to have and begin to plant seeds. Time is of the essence. The longer you wait the worse you will feel. The thought of having the conversation may cause you stress and anxiety but it has to be done. Feeling like you are married but alone is not a good place to be. Don’t waste any more time, have the conversation today.

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