When someone lacks self-awareness and may have some signs of narcissism or borderline personality disorder, they can get very defensive when receiving any type of feedback. We have to learn how to give advice to an overly defensive person.
To give feedback, we must set the scene first. It is important to ensure we are not saying we are better than them. We must also make sure they realize that we are not saying that they are a horrible person. We need to make sure they understand that we are not in competition with them. This is about us being better than we were the day before. We need to make sure they know that we are their biggest advocate.
We need to spell all of this out so that they get it. Otherwise, there will be the pattern of you pointing out something, they get defensive, they call you an idiot, they deflect it, and you get angry. Nothing gets accomplished in this pattern, and it just keeps happening.
We must make sure that we set the scene, there is no competition, and it’s not about us knowing more. It is good to ask some questions such as, “Have you thought about this in a situation” or “When you were working on that project, have you thought about doing this?” These types of questions can be very helpful because when someone is not self-aware, the idea of talking about themselves is something they like to do. If we can get them to talk more about themselves it may help to overcome the hurdle.
The biggest thing about giving someone positive feedback is to have them accept that there is a problem, to realize that they become defensive, and that there is a pattern to point out your faults. If we do not get into the circular argument about our faults and do not fall prey to that, we can help them be more successful.
We do not have to agree with everything they say. We can acknowledge what they say and then tell them that it’s time to refocus on them. “I hear what you’re saying and I get it, this is a pattern of yours, but I am trying to help you be more successful.” We need to ask specific questions and give very positive and constructive feedback. This is very powerful.
We must also reassure them that this is not a competition, I am here to help you. Over time this will sink in and the defensiveness will slow down. We must remember that this is a pattern of theirs and it will not just go away overnight. It is important not to take this personally, it is going to take some time.
We must realize that this is their defense mechanism, once we can do this, we will be able to help them be more successful and more aware of their situation. We cannot become defensive either. Although it may be difficult, we cannot go to that level. This may be difficult because they know how to push all of our buttons. As long as we do not get defensive and ask questions, we can shine some light and help them. Eventually, they may begin to see you as an ally in overcoming their pattern of being defensive.
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