Original content by Ashley Berges
Have you ever wondered why it is so difficult to stop thinking about the other person after a breakup? Many of us think about our ex much more than we realize.
Focusing on our ex instead of ourselves keeps us in a codependent/dependent state of mind. Instead of trying to understand our feelings or emotions about what happened in the relationship, we deflect. We mentally and emotionally deflect our focus onto the other person. This deflection reinforces our desire to people please, our co-dependency programming, and our core wounds. We tend to carry our programming into our romantic relationships. Furthermore, the deflection takes all our energy back to the other person.
We need to learn how to stop deflecting our energy onto the other person for us to gain back our mind share. Breakups cause stress and sadness. Instead of concentrating on ourselves and the changes we need to make we are busy focusing on someone else.
There are three things that we can do to bring the focus back on ourselves.
Be more aware
First, we need to become more aware and catch the deflection as soon as possible, beginning back to when they first started. To catch the deflection, we must be very mindful. We may become accustomed to deflection, so it could be difficult to break the cycle. Once we can catch our deflection, we need to bring the focus back to us. We must focus on what we need, our state of mind, and our feelings. Stop worrying about what your ex is doing. Not worrying, will enable you to have more clarity about the situation. This will help us process and get over the break-up quicker.
Journal about the unhealthy events that took place in the relationship
This exercise will help connect the brain with the heart. It will also help us stop romanticizing the relationship. The journal will serve as a reminder of what happened and why we are no longer in the relationship.
Look for past relationship patterns
Look at past relationships and see how there may be similarities as to how you dealt with the breakup. This will help you to realize that this relationship was not unique. It was based on how you have done things in the past. Most often you are not aware that you have done this same programming in the past. You need to gain clarity by asking yourself if you have gone down this programming path before or have you done this deflecting previously? Are there similar patterns in your past?
These three things will be very impactful. They will allow us to demonstrate that we will be able to work through the breakup cycle and work through the programming. As a result, we will stop focusing on others and begin to focus on ourselves. We will figure out what we need and how we are going to get to where we need to go.
When going through a break up we can feel very down. We need to build ourselves back up. To build ourselves up we need to show that we value ourselves. If we are always deflecting our energy to others, we are subconsciously telling ourselves that we do not care enough to focus on our own needs. Every time we take the deflection and bring our thought process back to us, we are showing ourselves that we are valuable. This also confirms our ability to process our thoughts and emotions. This processing of feelings allows us to see our patterns.
The next time you find yourself thinking about your ex, remember you are overlooking your needs and feelings. When you are in the position to process your feelings, it will enable you to get your clarity back and be able to put into perspective how often you think about the other person. This processing will allow you to see the relationship for what it was. Therefore, allowing you to finally be able to examine and deconstruct your past patterns throughout your romantic history. As a result, this will help you understand how you got into the relationship, and the information you need to put an end to the continuation of the cycle pattern.
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