If you’ve ever tried to talk to someone about something that hurt you and somehow ended up apologizing instead, there’s a reason that feels so disorienting. You raise a concern, the conversation shifts, emotions escalate, and you walk away feeling confused, guilty, or ashamed. This isn’t normal conflict. It’s not miscommunication. And it’s not two people simply seeing things differently. This pattern is called DARVO, and it’s one of the most damaging dynamics in unhealthy relationships.
DARVO is a manipulation and defense pattern that protects one person from accountability by shifting the blame onto the other person. The name itself describes the sequence:Â Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
It often starts with denial. When you name something that hurt you, the other person denies it happened or minimizes the impact. You may hear things like, “That’s not what I said,” “You’re remembering it wrong,” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” Sometimes the denial is subtle, but the goal is always the same: if it didn’t happen, they don’t have to take responsibility.
When denial isn’t enough, the tone shifts to attack. Suddenly, the focus is no longer on the behavior; it’s on you. You’re told you’re too sensitive, dramatic, always starting problems, or trying to pick a fight. Your character becomes the issue instead of what actually happened.
The most disorienting part comes next: the reversal of victim and offender. Now they’re the ones who are hurt. They’re offended. They’re the victim. And you are made the aggressor, abusive, unfair, or cruel. By this point, the original concern has completely disappeared. There’s no discussion, no repair, no accountability.
In real life, DARVO can look deceptively simple. You say, “It hurt when you yelled at me in front of other people.” The response becomes: “I didn’t yell.” Then, “You’re always trying to make me look bad.” And finally, “You’re embarrassing me by even bringing this up.” Your pain is never addressed. Instead, you end up defending your memory, your tone, and your intentions, while feeling guilty for speaking at all.
DARVO is especially powerful against empathic and reflective people. If you’re someone who self-examines, cares about fairness, and wants to take responsibility for your part, your instinct is to look inward. You start asking, “Maybe I said it wrong. Maybe I overreacted. Maybe this is my fault.” DARVO exploits that instinct. Instead of asking why you’re being blamed, you start asking what you did wrong.
Over time, this leads to chronic self-doubt, emotional exhaustion, walking on eggshells, and losing trust in your own perception. This is how gaslighting takes root—not through one dramatic incident, but through repeated role reversals that slowly erode your confidence.
DARVO isn’t a diagnosis. It’s a behavior pattern most commonly used by people who can’t tolerate shame, see accountability as a threat, and need to protect their self-image at all costs. This often shows up in narcissistic or emotionally abusive dynamics, especially where power and control are present. While everyone can be defensive at times, DARVO is different. It’s consistent, patterned, benefits the same person repeatedly, and never leads to repair.
Healthy conflict, by contrast, may involve discomfort, but it also includes curiosity and accountability. A healthy response sounds like, “I feel defensive, but I want to understand how I hurt you.” DARVO sounds like, “You’re attacking me. You’re the problem.” Healthy people can tolerate being wrong. DARVO exists to avoid that feeling at all costs.
The psychological cost of repeated DARVO is significant. People stop speaking up. They shrink to keep the peace. They become hypervigilant, emotionally numb, and unsure of what’s normal. DARVO doesn’t just avoid accountability; it trains the other person to disappear.
One of the simplest ways to recognize DARVO in real time is this: Did your concern turn into a character attack on you? If the answer is yes, that’s your signal. You don’t need to argue facts, defend your tone, or convince them of your reality. At that point, it’s no longer a conversation; it’s a manipulation.
DARVO is not miscommunication. It’s not passion. And it’s not a sign that you need to explain yourself better. It’s a system that protects one person by sacrificing the emotional reality of the other. Healthy relationships allow discomfort, accountability, and repair. If every hard conversation leaves you feeling guilty, confused, or ashamed, that’s not growth, that’s DARVO.
Awareness is the first step. When you can name what’s happening, you can stop arguing in their favor, step back, and begin setting boundaries that protect you.
Listen to the complete Podcast here:
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/4Y2VsBdlDCw5Ph4CX7278L?si=XdxL_NKRR8u2QiV_gG9b6Q
Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-ashley-berges-show/id839257367?i=1000746041504
