Original content by Ashley Berges
Are you currently trapped in a relationship with someone who is suffering from borderline personality disorder? Is that person in denial that they have a problem and blame you as the person with the problem?
BPD may be considered the elephant in the room. Often it is not identified, and people are left wondering where certain things are coming from. If you do not have BPD and are in a relationship with someone who does, this may cause you to feel like you are losing your mind. It feels as though you are being put into an emotional blender daily. It has you wondering what to do next.
There are some key identifiers to help you figure out if you are in a relationship with someone with BPD
First, the person may have a new demand from you daily. This may be a demand of your time, energy, direction, or your thought process. Anything that has to do with you. Remember, to them, you are the problem. When the demands come in, oftentimes we want to do what they are asking of us. We want to do whatever we can to make this person happy. This appears to work until the next demand, and then the cycle continues.
The next indicator would be using sex like it’s a currency. Sex becomes an amazing currency where they can get whatever they want. Sex is a big commodity in these relationships because the sex is good. The caveat to good sex is that you have been looking for that emotional connection with the other person for so long, that you are trying to find it anywhere. You are not connected in a love type of relationship, it is other emotions that are playing games in this relationship.
When you have sex, it feels as though you are connecting in “love” even though it is not happening that way. We feel that it is “love” which makes us feel more connected which leads to sex addiction. In our minds sex fills the void of “love” and as a result, we tell ourselves we are getting closer to that person. We feel more connected even though it is not equating on a “love” level.
The third thing is that the other person acts as though they are holding all the cards. They are in charge and we must listen to whatever they want. What is interesting is that when you do not have BPD but are in a relationship with someone who has BPD, you tend to believe what they tell you and believe that they do hold all the cards.
You begin to acquiesce to whatever they ask you to do because you believe it. To some degree they are holding all the cards, aren’t they? In our subconscious and our hearts, we know that the relationship isn’t working out. We realize that this is not true love but we hold on to it for some reason.
Another indication that you may be in a relationship with someone with BPD is that they will ask you to separate from your best friends, family, and children from previous relationships. They may tell you that your parents are bad people and that they are unable to talk to them because they are rude.
Another thing they may tell you is that your children are rude and upsetting to them. Therefore, they can’t be around your parents or children due to the stress they cause them. They ask you to distance yourself from these people because they can’t deal with it. You know this is not what you want to do, but you want to save the relationship.
You need to realize that if they are not willing to get help, and they deny having a problem, you cannot help them. Often we want to be a savior, we want to save other people, but that is not the answer. You can’t save someone when you are completely drowning.
If the other person is not willing to get help, and you are dealing with this every day, you are drowning. Everything in your life is falling apart. You need to step back and analyze what you can do to save yourself. If they are not willing to get help you need to learn how to cut ties, not only in your mind but in your thought process. Remember when dealing with BPD, we can love them, but is the love returned? It is important to know that it is ok to want to save someone, but are you saving yourself?
You must begin to love yourself to understand that you would not accept this behavior from someone if you truly cared and loved yourself. Ask yourself, do you truly love yourself? Most likely if you did, then you would not be in this type of relationship. It is ok to love them even though it is not reciprocated, but at the same point realize when you can love someone from a distance and when it’s time to cut ties to save your life from imploding.
Realize this when dealing with BPD and understand that it is alright to be frustrated, afraid, and stressed out not knowing which way to turn. Ask for advice and find someone who can help you is paramount and key to overcoming these types of relationships.
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