Original content by Ashley Berges
Someone with the signs and symptoms of BPD often participates in impulsive and risky behaviors. Ending positive relationships is something that someone with BPD tendencies is likely to do. Let’s look into why they do this and dig deep into the concept.
Why does someone with BPD tendencies have a tendency of ending positive relationships
The first reason this may happen is black and white thinking. To understand black and white thinking we need to realize that there is no grey area. There are extreme thoughts about a situation. In this situation, the person with BPD has extreme thoughts about an individual.
Many people with BPD tend to jump into relationships very quickly. They are unaware of the cycle pattern of putting the person on a pedestal. The person put on the pedestal is unaware that they are even on it. They become the favorite person of the person who has BPD signs and symptoms. As a result, the person with the signs of BPD is concerned the person they have placed on the pedestal is perfect.
We all know that no one is perfect. Eventually, the person on the pedestal does something which causes the person with BPD signs and symptoms to devalue them. They go from all good to all bad. This pattern of going from pedestal to devaluation gets repeated over and over. The other person does not understand what is going on and wants to feel better and get back on the pedestal.
An interesting thing about this situation is that the other person does not understand the pedestal. They do not realize that they are on a pedestal, they just believe that they are being treated the best they have ever been. When the person with the signs and symptoms of BPD pulls the person off the pedestal and begins to devalue them. Hence, the other person does not know what is going on. The only thing they know is that it does not feel good to them. This person then works really hard to get back into the “good graces” of the person that is showing the signs and symptoms of BPD.
Eventually, the other person does not understand why there is turmoil. The other person gets frustrated because the does not understand what they are dealing with. All they know is that everything was great and wonderful, and now it is not. They begin to question themselves and their reality.
Often someone will stay in this type of relationship with someone with BPD tendencies as long as their “issues” will allow them to stay. Some of the “issues” may be extreme co-dependency, lack of self-worth, and low self-esteem. These things will have the person staying in the relationship because they want to make it work. The working of the relationship correlates with their value and if they can’t make the relationship work then there must be a problem with them.
When someone is co-dependent they believe the more things they do for someone, the more the person will love them. The more they do for the other person the more things will change and get better. This thought process is something they learned while they were growing up. They internalize the situation. The longer they have this thought process, the longer they are going to stick in the relationship.
In the process of getting back on the pedestal, the person with the BPD tendencies will eventually push the other person, devaluing them to the point of no return. In their mind, the other person gets to the point where they can’t do anything right. At this point, they have tried so hard and nothing is changing, they begin to get angry and upset and in turn, question themselves.
The person with the signs and symptoms of BPD has pushed the other person over the edge to the point where there is nothing left. They feel like they have no identity, they have given every bit of themselves to save the relationship. In order to save themselves the person without the symptoms of BPD must end the relationship. The person with the signs and symptoms of BPD has pushed the other person over the edge to the point where there is nothing left. They feel like they have no identity, they have given every bit of themselves to save the relationship.
When the person without the symptoms of BPD tries to leave the relationship, they ignite the fear of abandonment in the person with the signs and symptoms of BPD. The person is now afraid of being abandoned or left alone. Even though they have devalued their partner, now they are racing back toward them to keep them in their life. The one leaving begins to think that perhaps the person with the symptoms of BPD has realized their value and sees who they are.
What is happening is that they do not realize that the fear of abandonment trumps all feelings that they have over the other person. It is painful to hear that the person is so fearful of abandonment that they will get back into a relationship with someone they do not respect.
It is very challenging to leave this type of relationship. The person has experienced extreme highs and extreme lows. Through this process, they do begin to realize that they have lost most of their identity because they sacrificed their values to make the other person happy.
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